Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
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When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured