Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

Oh thanks BBC.

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet