Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
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[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights