next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
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BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Guys, I found it.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Monday?
No. Next question.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?