My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
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My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Was it something I said?
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no