My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
You Might Also Like
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
*me flirting
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?