If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
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Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Google Pay be like:
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
This probably isn’t good
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.