ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
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Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?