I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
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Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs