date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
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absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Lmao 🤣