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*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…