Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
You Might Also Like
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
🤣🤣🤣