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I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Dear Lord..
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.