I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
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Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise