I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
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IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.