“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
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*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.