in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
You Might Also Like
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
BaD BoY!!
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.