I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
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[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”