@madcaplaughs30 I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
@mikeleffingwell I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
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@madcaplaughs30 
@SadPeruna Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
@proEXgirlfriend People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
@jordan_stratton COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
@clichedout The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
@MrGeorgeWallace I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
@RichHarris2 You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
@rn_murse reduce, reuse, recycle
@PaperWash People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
@Lenabellalou gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️