I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
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Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
reduce, reuse, recycle
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️