5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
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I’ve had relationships like this
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Bros before Ohioes
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I saw this ending much differently.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.