I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
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Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them