So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
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I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
she has a point
My circle of trust is a meatball
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.