Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
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i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
🤭😂
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I would like even faster food.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
barbara was highly relatable
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.