My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
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If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
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I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?