Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
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[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.