My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
You Might Also Like
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I can’t stop laughing at this
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Tier 3 meme
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot