[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
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If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert