You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
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This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.