Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
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me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!