My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
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Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Only short people can save us
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me