Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
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“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend