Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
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You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2