@JermHimselfish

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

You Might Also Like

@Smooheed

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

@GeorgiaBruh

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

@smiles_and_nods

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

@GroovyTasia

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

@SvnSxty

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

@sixfootcandy

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

@chuuew

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

@ADHDeanASL

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

@retardedwriter

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

@Social_Mime

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.