My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

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I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave


Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.


Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?


Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.


they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane


Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.


I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.


If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning


If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents


Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.