My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
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I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
tell em, edith-anne
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.