I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
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Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Swedish for common sense.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’