Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Vodka burrito was a success
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
the icebreaker
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite