Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
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(yawn)
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Siri, fight Alexa.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.