(yawn)
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“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I needed a laugh this morning.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.