50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
![]()
You Might Also Like
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
The Onion called it…again.
![]()
![]()
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
![]()
![]()
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person