*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
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I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.