My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Well, this certainly took a turn
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves