Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
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I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.