Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!

Him: don’t you mean desert?

Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

when nothing goes right… go left

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

Lmao the reply

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang