While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
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