I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
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“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.