I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
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My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Me recordaron éste meme
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no