When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
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My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Mad Max Arctic Road
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.