Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
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Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
She puts the hot in psychotic
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
This is my brand.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
car not found
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!