The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
You Might Also Like
bury ourselves
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Shower sex be like:
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
ugh not again
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.