Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
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This took me a second..
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
don’t we all
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.