{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
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Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Monday
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history