[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
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when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did