Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
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A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.