mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
You Might Also Like
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Happy Caturday!
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow